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Listening and Dialogue

Bill Isaacs, Robert Hanig, Verne Harinish, Anita Williams Woolley

Listen:
From kleu (IE) to hear and to praise and from cluere (L) to be called; to make a conscious effort to hear; to attend closely

We have to learn to listen to ourselves before we can really hear others.

Education:
From educare (L.) to draw forth; the process of developing knowledge, mind, character.

 I do not know if you have ever examined how you listen, it doesn't matter to what, whether to a bird, to the wind in the leaves, to the rushing waters, or how you listen in a dialogue with yourself, to your conversation in various relationships with your intimate friends, your wife or husband ...

If we try to listen we find it extraordinarily difficult, because we are always projecting our opinions and ideas, our prejudices, our background, our inclinations, our impulses; when they dominate we hardly listen at all to what is being said ...

In that state there is no value at all. One listens and therefore learns, only in a state of attention, a state of silence, in which this whole background is in abeyance, is quiet; then, it seems to me, it is possible to communicate. ...real communication can only take place where there is silence.

-- Krishnamurti
Talks and Dialogues

Listen. . .

Have you ever noticed what happens when you really listen to another person, listen with out even intending to respond? Most of us listen only rarely. In ordinary conversationor group discussion our response usually begins to form well before others are finished speaking. Even in nature a self-involved mind will veil the ears from what is actually happening around us.

-- Jack Zimmerman and Virginia Coyle

Listening Without Resistance

" . . . have you ever examined how you listen?"
  • When we listen to others, we often form resistances and barriers to them and to what they are saying.
  • Try listening to other people without resisting what they say or what they seem to want.
  • Let their words flow through you. Notice what comes up in you -- do you resist? React? Judge? Do not give weight to your reactions, simply observe them, saying "now this."
  • Practice letting go of any tension or resistance that comes up. Remember to breathe. Let there be space to hear what they might actually be intending.

Conversational Journey

Discussion:
From kwet (IE.) to shake and from dis+quatere (L.) to shake apart, examine, or scatter; to take up in a conversation, to argue the pros and cons of. Related words: concussion (to shake together), percussion (to shake through) and rescue (to shake off)

Dialogue:
The most ancient root come from leg (IE.) to collect, speak. Also, from lekjaz (Germanic) one who speaks magic words, from legere (L.) to gather, to speak, and from dia + logos (Gk.) flow through of speach, word, reason, meaning; mindful reflection of embodied meaning, a sustained inquiry into the structures, assumptions, and cultural certainties that compose everyday experience.

Decide:
To murder the alternative!

Control Oriented Discussion

  • Routine/simple issues
  • Win/Lose
  • Unilateral Control
  • Take a hard stand
  • Little learning
  • Know you?e right

    You have another choice.

    • Dialogue Model

    Note: The dialogue model is a linear depiction of a non-linear phenomenon RESULTS: What actually happens

    ACTION: What is actually said and done.

    FRAME: What each person is thinking about themselves, the other person, the situation, and the obstacles.

    INTENTION: What each person wants out of the conversation. Are these aligned? At cross purposes? Censored? Veiled?

    CONTAINER: The context of and for the interaction, the atmosphere and/or backdrop -- internal and external.

    Creating a Container

    Container Building:

    It's about creating an atmosphere of trust and mutual respect.

    Learning is enhanced when you have a safe place to practice.

    Having better techniques or form for expressing ourselves is important; however, are we willing to look past the "form" and listen for the essence of the conversation?

    		Agreements for effective learning in dialogue:
    Be fully present; notice what is really going on around you

    Take risks by participating and being willing to make mistakes

    Be responsible for yourself and the situation

    Have fun

    Create the Container

    Leverage Point #1

      Prepare the physical setting:
      • Ask: where should the conversation be held?
      • Does the location ensure confidentiality?
      • Will we be interrupted?
      Timing is everything
      • Ask yourself and the other person: is this a good time? Did we have time to prepare? How long do we have together? Is this enough?
      Create an atmosphere of confidentiality
      • Ask: can we keep this between us?
      Concentrate and listen
      • Am I able to listen and be fully present?
      • Can I let go and pay attention?

    Intention

    Leverage Point 2: Focus on the Results

    Intention: What each person wants out of the conversation. Are the intentions aligned? At cross purposes? Censored? Veiled? Unheard?

    Focus on the Result

    Leverage Point #2
    • What do I say I want? What do I tell others? What do I honestly believe?

    • Remember, you can see your actual intentions by looking at what you do, not at what you say.

      • Ask yourself: what do my actions reveal about what I really want?

    • Will this intention produce the results I want?

    • What intention would produce the desired results? If anything were possible, how would I change my intentions? What would I really like to have happen?
    "Some ways of thinking are more powerful than others."

    -- Robert Fritz

    Different Actions

    Understand How You Think

    Leverage Point #3
    • Listen carefully to what people actually say (try not to interpret at first)
    • Listen for conclusions and beliefs -- yours and others
      • Do they jump to conclusions?
      • What conclusions are you making as you listen?
    • Listen for directly observable data
      • Can you form a picture of what they are saying in your mind?
      • Ask yourself: what led them to think as they do?
    • Suspend your certainties and conclusions
    • Do they act as if their conclusions are obvious?
    • Do you? Are there other ways of seeing things?
    • What must be the ladder in their minds?

    Actions: Advocacy and Inquiry

    Leverage Point 4: Understanding how you act
    Advocacy: From ad + vocare (L) to call towards, to plead a cause, to speak for.

    Inquiry: From in + quaerere (L) to seek within, to seek information, ask a question. Related words: quest, require, exquisite.

    Inquiry vs. Inquisition

    Advocacy

  • Constructive or destructive, defensive

    Inquiry

  • Open, encourages questions or discourages questions.

    Be aware you are jumping to conclusions and that the other person is jumping to conclusions.

    Inquiry and advocacy move us up and down the ladder of inference.

    Understand How You Act

    Leverage Point #4

    • Become aware of the gap between what you intend and what you actually do
      • Notice other people's reactions to you. Are they what you expected? Why or why not?
      • Listen as if at least 5% of what they say is true.
    • Make an effort to understand and begin to close this gap
      • Notice your tendencies to hold others responsible.
      • Give yourself permission to keep learning.
    • Learn to balance advocacy and inquiry
      • Follow the practice protocals for good advocacy, good inquiry, and dealing with impasse.